Zeus el temperamental

Su paciencia se agotó. Se cansó de lo que él consideraba una burla para Grecia, con promesas falsas de rescate económico.

Así, una estrellada noche de verano tomó un vuelo Atenas – Fráncfort en Aegean Airlines. Su misión era hablar con la mismísima Christine Legard, la del Banco Central Europeo (BCE). Al principio pensó en ir desnudo, no se sabe si para enviar un mensaje a los de Bruselas, o para impresionar a la Legarde, pero luego alguien le hizo notar lo poco prudente de ir en pelotas a Alemania. Puesto que tenía que vestirse, eligió un traje Herr von Eden, a diferencia del Brioni que normalmente usa para los cientos de bautizos a los que asiste como padrino en Grecia durante todo el año.

Lo recibió de Guindos, el vicepresidente del banco (las malas lenguas dicen que la Legarde andaba por Nicosia, buscando cómo endeudar más a Chipre). Ante la presencia de tan ilustre visitante en las oficinas del banco, de Guindos invitó al gran Zeus a almorzar en su despacho. No estando la presidenta del banco, que era con quien le interesaba hablar, Zeus aceptó la invitación, no de muy buena gana. Su ánimo no mejoró durante el almuerzo, pues el vicepresidente del BCE, fanático del Atlético de Madrid, le recordó al dios de dioses sobre las siete victorias históricas de su equipo sobre cuadros griegos, especialmente ante el Olimpiacos, equipo del que Zeus era presidente vitalicio.

Zeus se levantó intempestivamente y dejó las oficinas en el número 20 de la Sonnemannstrasse.

Se dice en Atenas que Zeus anda muy molesto, y no se le quita de la cabeza la idea de mandar una tormenta de nieve a finales del verano sobre Berlín, Hamburgo y Múnich…y hacer descender al Atlético a segunda. 

 

19.09.2023

El físico y la bailarina de ballet

El Dr. David Salek se despidió de sus colegas en el Max Planck para unirse a ALBA, el acelerador de partículas de Cerdanyola del Vallès, en Barcelona. Muchos de sus colegas pensaban que no era una buena decisión, pero sus compatriotas del Instituto Weizmann lo habían convencido de unirse al equipo del Weizmann que estudiaba los mecanismos de acción de la quinolina en ALBA.

La imaginación de Susana Dudaev había estado cautivada desde que era niña por las imágenes del mar Mediterráneo. Cuando una de sus antiguas compañeras de clase de la Academia de Ballet Vagánova le habló de la oportunidad de trabajar en el Ballet de Barcelona, Susana no lo pensó dos veces e hizo las maletas.

Ese día, en el espectáculo Chronos, David Salek no pudo evitar fijarse en la bailarina rubia que se movía por el escenario con la ligereza de un fotón en el sincrotrón. Al final del espectáculo, Yegveny Shirkov, un colega de ALBA, le presentó a Susana.

Los viernes por la tarde, David Salek corría a Barcelona para ver a Susana. En su compañía su mundo se iluminaba, porque aunque seguía pensando que el universo era escurridizo, con ella había aprendido que gracias al arte su universo particular podía tener sentido.

Psychedelic therapy

I wasn't very sure, but she convinced me. So I called the phone number she gave me and scheduled the appointment. The lady on the other end of the line gave me a list of instructions to consider before and after, as long as the shopping list wives give to husbands.

Why did I want to do this? Well, I thought that maybe by delving into my subconscious, I could discover what caused my fear of flying.

After the obligatory smudging ritual, I hastily consumed the mushrooms. From then on, an experience like I had never had before began. I traversed the Milky Way with a snap of my fingers, encountering a few UFOs along the way, both on the journey there and back. Returning to this more rugged reality, I could see myself from the outside, noticing how much my bald spot had progressed over the years.

After this first encounter with altered reality, a voice that identified itself as the therapist guided me through a regression process, fortunately only of this lifetime, in which I progressed to within a hair's breadth of returning to the matrix.

Everything would have ended perfectly, if it weren't for the fact that the regression process triggered other phobias, namely, up until this point, fear of open spaces, fear of enclosed spaces, fear of spiders, and finally, turophobia, which is nothing more than a fear of cheese, and in my particular case, especially the one with lots of holes.

They say that everything that happens to us has a reason. This saying doesn't completely convince me. The fact is, once my irrational fear of flying was cured, but with three new phobias in tow, I'm returning to therapy with Dr. Abravanel next Monday.

Psicoterapia psicodélica

No estaba muy seguro pero ella me convenció. Así que llamé al número de teléfono que me facilitó y agendé la cita. La señorita al otro lado de la línea me dio una lista de indicaciones a tener en cuenta para el antes y el después, tan larga como el papel para la compra que las señoras dan a sus esposos.

¿Que por qué quería hacer esto? Pues pensaba que tal vez, hurgando en mi inconsciente, podía destrabar aquello que me producía el miedo a volar.

Luego del sahumerio preparatorio de rigor, ingerí los hongos atropelladamente. De allí en adelante empezó una experiencia como nunca antes había tenido. Recorrí la Vía Láctea en un chasquido de dedos, pasando unos cuantos ovnis en el camino, tanto a la ida como a la vuelta. Ya de regreso a esta más agreste realidad, me pude ver desde fuera de mí, percatándome de cuánto había avanzado la calvicie en la coronilla en los últimos años.

Después de este primer guiño con la realidad alterada, una voz que se identificó como terapeuta me guió en un proceso de regresión, afortunadamente solo de esta vida, asunto en el que avancé hasta estar a dos palmos de volver a la matriz.

Todo hubiese terminado de perlas, a no ser porque el proceso de regresión activó otras fobias, a saber hasta este momento, miedo a los espacios abiertos, miedo a los espacios cerrados, miedo a las arañas, y finalmente, turofobia, que no es otra cosa que fobia el queso, y en mi caso particular, especialmente al que tiene muchos huequitos.

Dicen por allí que todo lo que nos pasa tiene una razón de ser. Este dicho no me termina de convencer. El caso es que una vez curado mi miedo irracional a volar, pero con tres nuevas fobias a cuestas, el próximo lunes vuelvo a terapia con el Dr. Abravanel.

Ramesh Kumar, the sage of the spicy lentils

Ramesh Kumar's life was comfortable. Things were going well with Sukuna, his wife, as well as with his children at school, and business was not bad, although it was becoming increasingly difficult for small businesses in Calcutta.

The unrest first appeared one day in August, around the Independence Day festivities. A growing feeling of void, of dissatisfaction, began to invade him. He sought solace in reading the holy scriptures, but without success.

As the discomfort became greater with the passing of the days, he began to meditate. Thus, at night, when the others went to sleep, Ramesh would meditate in the living room, sitting on the floor.

One Sunday morning Sukuna found Ramesh in the living room, in a meditative position. He had a lost sight, with his pupils dilated. Dr. Lahiri, the family physician, told Sukuna that Ramesh was going through a trance, similar to those experienced by hermit sages. Sukuna, a very religious woman, then built an altar at her husband's feet.

The neighbors began to arrive at night, with floral offerings, to pray in the presence of the new saint of the neighborhood.

At the end of the year, for the Festival of Lights, and the day of celebration of Lashkimi, the goddess of wealth, Ramesh recovered conciousness. After hugging his wife and children, he ate a whole pot of lentil soup, which Sukuna made for him.

Translated from Spanish by S. Palomeque

Eva and I

 I couldn't stand the boredom anymore. I was about to run away, just like that fellow at the New Zealand National Aquarium did. But then she arrived; the very incarnation of Diana the Huntress, the Goddess of the Woods: athletic, tanned skin, and hair the color of sunshine.

Eva was doing her doctorate in Marine Biology, with a research on the intelligence of cephalopods. When we met, the interaction with was almost non-existent, limiting herself to swimming around me in the pond, observing me carefully all the time. Then we started comunicating each other through sign language, and after that playing chess, which I had already learned by watching my caregiver play it.

The tango thing was love at first sight, or at first hearing, properly speaking. So, that day when Eva got into the pond while music by Piazzola was playing, I could not contain myself, and leaving all manners, I approached her, placed two of my arms on her shoulders, another two on her hips, and I started to dance.

People say that octopuses have no rhythm. I disagree. And well, now Eva and I also dance chachachá.

Translated from Spanish by S. Palomeque

The physicist, the ballet dancer and the particles accelerator

Dr. David Salek said goodbye to his colleagues at the Max Planck's, to join ALBA, the particles accelerator at Cerdanyola del Vallès, Barcelona. Many of his colleagues thought this was not a smart move, but his compatriots from the Weizman Institute had convinced him to join the Weizman's team studying the mechanisms of action of quinoline at ALBA.

Susana Dudaev's imagination had been captivated since she was a child by images of the Mediterranean Sea. When one of her former classmates from the Vagánova Ballet Academy told her about the opportunity to work at the Barcelona Ballet, Susana did not think twice and packed her bags.

That day, at the Chronos show, David Salek couldn't help but notice the blonde dancer who moved across the stage as lightly as a photon in the synchrotron. At the end of the show, Yegveny Shirkov, a colleague from ALBA, introduced him to Susana.

On Friday afternoons, David Salek would rush to Barcelona to see Susana. In her company his world lit up, because even though he still thought the universe was elusive, with her he had learned that thanks to art his particular universe could make sense.

08/04/2023

Ramesh Kumar, el sabio de las lentejas picantes

La vida de Ramesh Kumar transcurría sin mayores preocupaciones. Las cosas marchaban bien con Sukuna, su mujer, sus hijos lo hacían bien en el colegio, y el negocio no iba mal, aunque cada vez era más difícil para los pequeños comercios en Calcuta.

El malestar apareció por primera vez un día de agosto, cerca de las festividades por el Día de la Independencia. Una creciente sensación de vacío, de insatisfacción, lo empezó a invadir. Buscó consuelo en la lectura de las escrituras sagradas, pero sin éxito.

Como las molestias se hicieron mayores con el transcurrir de los días, empezó a meditar. Así, en las noches, cuando los demás se iban a dormir, Ramesh se quedaba meditando en la sala, sentado en el piso.

Un domingo por la mañana Sukuna encontró a Ramesh en la sala, en posición de meditación. Estaba ido, con sus pupilas dilatadas. El doctor Lahiri, el médico de la familia, le dijo a Sukuna que Ramesh estaba atravesando un trance, similar al que experimentaban los sabios ermitaños. Sukuna, una mujer muy religiosa, levantó entonces un altar a los pies de su marido.

Los vecinos empezaron a llegar por las noches, con ofrendas florales, para rezar en presencia del nuevo santo del vecindario.

A finales de año, para la Fiestas de las Luces, y el día de celebración de Lashkimi, la diosa de la riqueza, Ramesh volvió en sí. Luego de abrazar a su mujer y sus hijos, comió una olla entera de sopa de lentejas, que Sukuna preparó para él.

 

07/04/2023

 

Eva y yo

Ya no soportaba más el aburrimiento. Estaba a punto de escaparme, como lo hiciera aquel colega del Acuario Nacional de Nueva Zelanda. Pero entonces llegó; la encarnación misma de Diana La Cazadora, la diosa de los bosques: atlética, de piel bronceada, y cabellos color rayo de sol.

Eva hacía su doctorado en Biología Marina, con un estudio sobre la inteligencia de los cefalópodos. Al principio la interacción con ella fue casi nula, limitándose ella a nadar a mi alrededor en el estanque, observándome con detenimiento todo el tiempo. Luego pasamos a ejercicios de comunicación con lenguaje a señas, y de allí a jugar ajedrez, el que yo ya había aprendido mirando a mi cuidador jugarlo.

Lo del tango fue amor a primera vista, o a primera escucha, hablando con propiedad. Tanto así que, aquel día cuando Eva se metió al estanque mientras sonaba música de Piazzola, no me pude contener, y dejando todas las formas, me acerqué a ella, coloqué dos de mis brazos en sus hombros, otros dos en sus caderas, y empecé a bailar.

Dicen que los pulpos no tenemos ritmo. No estoy de acuerdo. Y bueno, ahora Eva y yo también bailamos chachachá.

 

02/04/2023

 

 

The Devil lives in the details

I have always heard the Devil lives in the details. Well, here he was, Satan himself, performing an aesthetic surgery. After the procedure I could say hello to him, and then he told me he had specialized with Ivo Pitanguy, the real McCoy.

But don’t think the Devil always was only interested in filling his pockets with money through very expensive surgeries. From time to time, he performed surgeries for charity. For this reason, the United Nations had appointed him as Ambassador of Good Will.

So, we have now the Evil One speaking in international forums, hobnobbing with Angelina Jolie, having an exciting life, and not only making money, as many people would expect from him.

06/03/2023

Translated from Spanish

Hemiunu, Chief Foreman of Pharaoh’s Civil Works: Interview from the Eternity

He was very kind, receiving me without an appointment. He greeted me very courteously, in a perfect English- it couldn't it be otherwise (any V.I.P speaks English).

Without being rude, he asked me to go straight to the point, since he had a cricket match scheduled in advance and it almost was time for the game.

• Thank you for receiving me…eh (I didn’t know how to address to him)
• Hemiunu- he answered
• Oh! Perfect, Mr. Hemiunu
• Oh, no!...just call me Hemiunu
• Good, Hemiunu. Thank you very much again for receiving me. Look, I was a reporter when I was alive, but the reason to meet you now is just out of curiosity
• Of course…whatever you need
• Ok. First things first: One, your job title, according to history books, was Architect of Pharaoh Keops
• Actually, it was Chief Foreman of Pharaoh’s Civil Works
• I got it…second question: Who designed the Pyramids?
• Oh! There were a lot of people involved. Anyway, the “who” was not important. What really mattered was they were works for the Pharaoh. Besides, at that time there wasn’t that Architecture prize…what’s its name…Pritzker? So, nobody was interested in claiming the authority of a building.
• Yes!...Pritzker. How do you know about Pritzker Prize?- I told him amazed
• Look, Sir, if to live is hard, eternity is harder. So, we have to use our imagination for not getting bored, because we have the eternity ahead of us. So, we read a lot, make crafts, watch the news…
• Oh! I see
• That’s all?-said Hemiunu. Or, do you have an additional question?
• Yes, please…How it was possible?...I mean, how it was possible to build the Pyramids then, with the level of complexity their construction represent even today?
• Don’t delude yourself, Sir. When there is political will you can accomplish anything. And we have the leadership of the Pharaoh. Besides, the Pharaoh Keops had a team of very competent collaborators, not like today, when any Joe Somebody, without any skill, becomes a minister or president of any country.
• I see. And that is your explanation?
• Well, I’ll only add that the works of the Ancient World, as you call them, as any other humanity accomplishment, were possible because people had high yearnings, not like now, that people believe revolutions are accomplished texting in Twitter.

The knowledge of Hemiunu, Chief Foreman of Pharaoh’s Civil Works, of the current affairs, was impressive. Then, he added:

• Sir, I am sorry, but I have to leave. Ramanujan is waiting for me for our cricket match.
• Ramanujan?- I asked him…Ramanujan, the mathematician?
• Yes, the mathematician. But, you know, he is not doing mathematics at this moment
• Sorry, but I never heard that Ramanujan played cricket when alive
• Oh! You are right, Sir. He didn’t do it until recently. But as I explained to you, with the eternity ahead of us we are compelled to fill the hours, for not getting bored.

Then the great Hemiunu, Chief Foreman of Pharaoh’s Civil Works, got up from his chair, lighted a Churchill Cohiba’s and said good by in that stylish English with which he had used during our conversation.

06/03/2023

Translated from Spanish

Moses Ben Maimon, M.D.

If David Ben Maimon had listened to his brother Moses, leaving for Aidhab instead of India, perhaps history would have been different. The great Moses would not have had to go through economic straits, nor be forced to work on Shabbat. But young people are impulsive, and do not measure risks. What would have happened today? Well, David would probably have lost all the family assets in the FTX cryptocurrency scam, and the great Moses would have been forced to practice his profession in the underground economy sector.

 

08/03/2023

 

Translated from Spanish

Moisés Maimónides, M.D.

Si David Ben Maimón hubiese hecho caso a su hermano Moisés, partiendo para Aidhab en vez de la India, tal vez la historia hubiese sido diferente. El gran Moisés no hubiese tenido que pasar estrechez económica, ni verse obligado a abrir su consultorio hasta en sábados. Pero los jóvenes son impulsivos, y no miden riesgos. ¿Qué hubiese pasado hoy? Pues probablemente David hubiese perdido todo el patrimonio familiar en la estafa de la criptomoneda FTX, y el gran Moisés se habría visto obligado a ejercer la práctica médica en la clandeatinidad.

 

05/03/2023

The Australopithecus

The Australopithecus was not very different from us. Like humans, she walked upright, which allowed her to look others of her kind in the eye, thus flirting by winking. Her brain was one third the size of a current human, although in that sense I am of the idea that there are still many Australopithecus among us today. The Australopithecus lived in trees and fed on leaves and fruit. She was terrified about the unknown, call it eclipses, thunder, lightning, who knows what else. Fortunately today we have religion, which takes away the anguish caused by the inexplicable. That said, there is no evidence that the Australopithecus gone to mass or their kids, to Sunday school.

What experts suspect is that the Australopithecus made bone-based tools. I use the word "suspect" because this is something we cannot be entirely sure of since no Australopithecus ever thought of dying and having her tool at hand, for being fossilized with her.

As you can see, the Australopithecus was not very different from us: she went through life with her bone-tool in hand, while we do it with our cell phones.

 

05/03/2023

 

Translated from Spanish

If I came back

I don't buy that there is something beyond death. However, lately I have thought that I would like to reincarnate. So I'm thinking about something to believe in, to enjoy the promise of a future come back to this life. I have no preferences on the belief that promotes a guaranteed return to its followers. Of course, I do not want anything with the Buddhists, because they are convinced that their ancestors return as worms, and what I want is to get the most of my investment. For example, coming back as a brat from a wealthy home in Silicon Valley, or in Shenzhen, to be more in the vein that the future belongs to Asia. But, if reincarnation as an animal is a must, I prefer doing it as a cockroach, because in the event of a nuclear Armageddon cockroaches would be the few that would remain alive.

 

05/03/2023

 

Translated from Spanish

The end of all

 The end of the world is just arriving, my mother, a very religious woman, tells me. I didn't want to argue with her, but the end of the world has happened before. Like when the Chicxulub crater meteorite wiped out three quarters of the planet's plants and animals. Poor dinosaurs!... they must have been there, in the gym, playing backgammon or at tea time, when wham! that ball of fire burst into the atmosphere and landed on the Yucatan Peninsula itself. And that was it. There were no more worries… not for the Rex's gout episodes from eating too much meat, or the Brontosaurus' drinking problems, or the Pterodactyl's musings about the meaning of life. It all ended in a flash. As would happen now, if another meteorite falls, or without being so dramatic, if a sudden pandemic came from China that we could not yet control with all our science.

 

05/03/2023 

Translated from Spanish

A universe in a test tube

I've read it a few days ago, although the news dates back a couple of years: Abraham Loeb, director of the Department of Astronomy at Harvard University, argued in an article in Scientific American magazine that perhaps our universe could have been created in a laboratory of an advanced civilization.


This has led me to think about the different scenarios in which this creation took place. That we were the result of the hard work of a group of underfunded interns, who in the end achieved Universe 2.0, a universe that didn't fall apart at the first microsecond after the Big Bang. Or that perhaps we exist thanks to the late-night work of the council of elders of a civilization X, who after the weekly meeting on Wednesday night, and in the heat of a few drinks, created us, like a group of friends who gather to play cards, that is, for sheer pleasure.

In the end, what has left me worried is the other statement by Professor Loeb: that there are different levels of civilization, being the highest that one capable of creating universes. So, what level of civilization are we, if we even can't take care the little space we received for living, not to talk about the ability to create new worlds?

 

05/03/2023

 

Translated from Spanish

Un universo en una probeta

Lo he leído hace unos días, aunque la noticia data de hace un par de años: Abraham Loeb, director del Departamento de Astronomía de la Universidad de Harvard, sostenía en un artículo en la revista Scientific American, que tal vez nuestro universo pudo ser creado en un laboratorio de una civilización avanzada. 

Esto me ha llevado a pensar en los diferentes escenarios en los que se dio esta creación. Que fuimos el resultado del trabajo arduo de un grupo de becarios mal financiados, que al final logró Universo 2.0, un universo que no hizo aguas después del primer microsegundo que siguió al Bing Bang. O que quizá existimos gracias a la labor trasnochada del consejo de ancianos de una civilización XYZ, que luego de la reunión de los miércoles por la noche, y al calor de unas copas, nos creó, como un grupo de amigos que se sientan a echarse una partida de naipes, es decir, por puro placer.

Al final lo que me ha dejado preocupado es la otra declaración del profesor Loeb: que existen diferentes niveles de civilización, siendo la más avanzada aquella capaz de crear universos. Entonces, ¿en qué nivel de civilización entraríamos nosotros, si ni quisiera podemos cuidar decentemente del pedazo de jardín en el que vivimos, no se diga crear otros mundos?

 

05/03/2023

 

Abraham Coen, Israeli spy

 Abraham Coen was slim, bald and wore acetate eyeglasses. Behind this look of accountant nobody could suspect was one of the most important Israeli spies in South America. Coen had learnt the basics of digital espionage in the army, polished later in the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. But, what distinguished Coen was his outstanding ability to assume any character, complemented with an unusual expertise to read facial expressions. From Quito he traveled to Bogotá and Lima, covering the Andean region.

When that mulatta from Barranquilla crossed paths with Coen, his performance had been almost perfect. A few more years and he could have returned to Israel, bought a little house in Haifa, and run his import/export business from there. But nothing happens as expected. Coen began to lose his ability to read faces, the one that had distinguished him since his years of training as a spy. His work became less and less neat. One day, while walking through the old city of Cartagena, Abraham Coen, one of the best Israeli spies in South America, was stabbed by a pickpocket.

 

05/03/2023

 

Translated from Spanish

Abraham Coen, espía israelí

Abraham Coen era delgado, calvo y llevaba lentes de pasta. Detrás de esta imagen de contador nadie podía sospechar que se escondía uno de los espías israelíes más importantes en América del Sur. Coen había aprendido los rudimentos del espionaje electrónico en el ejército, que luego había perfeccionado en la Universidad Hebrea de Jerusalén. Sin embargo, lo que distinguía a Abraham Coen era su extraordinaria habilidad para convertirse en cualquier personaje, complementada con una pericia inusitada para estudiar expresiones faciales. Desde Quito, Coen se desplazaba a Bogotá y Lima, encargándose de la región andina.

Hasta cuando aquella mulata barranquillera se cruzó con Coen, su palmarés había sido casi perfecto. Unos cuantos años más y podría haber regresado a Israel, comprar una casita en Haifa y llevar su negocio de importaciones/exportaciones desde allá. Pero nada ocurre como se espera. Coen empezó a perder su capacidad para leer rostros, la que lo había distinguido desde sus años de entrenamiento como espía. Su trabajo se hizo cada vez menos prolijo. Un día, caminando por la ciudad vieja de Cartagena, Abraham Coen, uno de los mejores agentes israelíes en América del Sur, fue acuchillado por un carterista. 

 

05/03/2023

The intergalactic cockroaches and the nuclear Armageddon

They arrived on any given day, but sure it wasn't on Sunday because they used to keep the feasts.

They hadn't been here for a long time... since the Cambrian, actually. That the care of the kids, the business affairs, the social club life with airs of a sect, that the life of a sect with airs of a social club, etc... had kept them very busy. You know, the same kind of things that keeps a lot of people busy here.

The first thing they did when they arrived was to look for their earthly relatives and catch up... world politics, international finance, the price of raw materials, climate change, etc. Their cousins told them about a group of humans determined to conquer space as a response to the subsistence problems of the human race on planet Earth. This idea pissed them off. They weren't going to let some foolish humans screw up the rest of the cosmos like they had had with their own planet. They then decided to hatch a plan of intrigues among the leaders of the world's atomic powers, pitting them against each other. This led to an escalation of tensions between countries with nuclear weapons.

A few days before the start of the nuclear Armageddon, the intergalactic cockroaches departed. It was any day, but it sure wasn't Sunday, because they used to keep the feasts.

 04/03/2023

 

Translated from Spanish

Ugghh from Düsseldorf

His name was Ugghh. He had been discovered by chance by an archaeologist from the University of Tübingen, in a sausage stall in downtown Düsseldorf.

After conducting the proper investigations, and making sure Ugghh was a real Neanderthal and not a peasant from the Black Forest who had moved to the city, Dr. Zweilfen got him a job at the Neanderthal Museum, near Düsseldorf, halfway between Erkrath and Mettman.

The job shift came at the best moment. Serving sausages was not difficult for him, just that the smell of the chucrut was already unbearable.

His arrival to the museum was quite an event. The only museum in the world with a living piece! So, Ugghh was allowed to do whatever he wanted. Which was not a problem, at least at first, since his only task was to play in the large garden that the museum management had set up for him. However, as soon as Ugghh became aware of his rock star status for the museum, his whims became more demanding. He began to drink huge amounts of beer, and gobbled up every carbohydrate he found at hand.

Seven months after his arrival at the museum, Ugghh was admitted to the Düsseldorf University Hospital with severe gastrointestinal complications. It seems it was due to diet and lack of exercise. Few years ago from that. Now he is a hipster, and works in a boutique on the boulevard Königsallee.

 

20/02/2023

Translated from Spanish

Ugghh de Düsseldorf

Su nombre era Ugghh. Había sido descubierto por casualidad por un arqueólogo de la Universidad de Tubinga, en un puesto de salchichas en el centro de Düsseldorf​.

Luego de realizar las pesquisas necesarias, y asegurarse de que se trataba de un auténtico neanderthal y no de un leñador de la Selva Negra mudado a la ciudad, el Dr. Zweilfen le consiguió un trabajo en el Museo de Neanderthal, cerca de Düsseldorf​, a medio camino entre Erkrath y Mettman.

El cambio de trabajo le vino de perlas. Y no es que servir salchichas le resultara difícil, solo que había llegado a un punto en que el olor de chucrut le producía náuseas.

Su llegada al museo fue todo un suceso. ¡El único museo del mundo con una pieza viva! De allí que a Ugghh se le permitiera hacer lo que le viniera en gana. Lo que no significó problema alguno, al menos al inicio, pues su única tarea era retozar en el gran jardín que la dirección del museo había acondicionado para él. Sin embargo, en cuanto Ugghh fue consciente de su calidad de rock star para el museo, sus caprichos se volvieron más exigentes. Empezó a beber ingentes cantidades de cerveza, y a zamparse cuanto carbohidrato encontraba a la mano.

A los siete meses de su llegada al museo, Ugghh fue internado en el Hospital Universitario de Düsseldorf​ con severas complicaciones gastrointestinales. Dicen que se debió a la dieta y la falta de ejercicio. De eso ya hace unos años. Ahora va de hípster, y trabaja en una boutique en la avenida Königsallee.

 

20/02/2023

Wishbook (English version)

It was the tech startup sensation of that moment. Its name: Wishbook, and its IPO had been a bombastic event. Two media mentions on the same day...Wall Street Journal and The Financial Times.

Wishbook promoted itself as a company that retouched digital identities, which in plain English meant the falsification of identities, through photos accompanied by stimulating texts generated by artificial intelligence, and even videos. The user could use Wishbook's services to fabricate an identity for Instagram or a Facebook-like portal.

For an annual fee, which could be modest or not, depending on the service items purchased, users could boast of trips to exotic destinations, such as Kathmandu, Karachi, or the Mekong River. A more exclusive service consisted in the realization of videos, where the user attended a recording studio, where  she was dressed in green clothes and background, to generate the video of his choice. The possibilities of representation were endless.

Despite all the technology, you could guess when Wishbook had done its job: people looked happy all the time, just like on Facebook, but the pictures were in Ultra HD.

30/01/2023

Translated from Spanish

Wishbook

Era la sensación en empresas de tecnología. Se llamaba Wishbook, y su salida a bolsa había sido una locura. Dos menciones el mismo día, en el Wall Street Journal y en el Financial Times.

Wishbook se promocionaba como una empresa que hacía retoques de identidades digitales, lo que en buen romance significaba la falsificación de identidades, a través de fotos acompañadas de textos estimulantes generados por inteligencia artificial, e inclusive videos. El usuario podía utilizar los servicios de Wishbook para fabricarse una identidad para Instagram o portal tipo Facebook.

Por un pago anual, que podía ser módico o no tan módico, dependiendo de los items del servicio que uno contratara, los usuarios podían presumir de viajes a exóticos destinos, como por ejemplo, Katmandú, Karachi, o la rivera del Mekong. Un servicio más exclusivo consistía en la realización de videos, en donde el usario asistía a un estudio de grabación, en el que lo ataviaban de ropa verde sobre fondo del mismo color, para generar el video de su preferencia. Las posiblidades de representación eran infinitas.

A pesar de toda la tecnología, uno podía darse cuenta cuando Wishbook había hecho su trabajo: la gente parecía todo el tiempo feliz, como en Facebook, solo que las fotografías eran en Ultra HD.

 

30/01/2023

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Let's start by saying that the horsemen were not very original. The choice of names Gaspar, Melchior, Balthasar and d'Artagnan was not going to win any prize in advertising. And when they were asked about the reason for the names, they only managed to argue that it was a matter of branding, since being called War, Plague, Famine and Death, did not have the connotation that would allow them to get closer to the masses, except for heavy metal fans.

In any case, the names were a headache: Catholics contested three names, alleging copyright infringement, and the French Academy did the same with d'Artagnan. On the other hand, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel invited the horsemen to the Valley of Gehenna to discuss the Talmud with its wisest men. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse thanked the invitation, but excused themselves from attending, due to their busy schedule.

In order to avoid further blunders, as well as million-dollar copyright infringement lawsuits before the World Intellectual Property Organization, the horsemen requested, via digitally signed email, that the father of public relations himself, Edward Bernays, be resurrected to help them. Once that was done, Bernays, with the advantage of not having to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom, gobbled up in one morning all the technical literature on intellectual property, marketing, and social media he could find, getting up to speed to properly tackle the task for which he had been brought back.

The agenda Bernays arranged for the horsemen was exhaustive: UN, EU, ASEAN, WTO, APEC, ALADI, CAN, MERCOSUR (sorry if I forget anyone)...OPEC, NATO...and of course, the Davos Forum. The appearances were accompanied by good taste; no Zara suits...all Brook Brothers', including the finest ties handmade in Sri Lanka by virgins who did not consume gluten.

Despite resurrecting Bernays, who violated his exclusivity contract by advising the pharmaceutical industry on how to sell more antidepressants, the Four Horsemen did not do well in their campaign to spread the word about more dark days to come. It was all arriving at Davos to be seduced by banquets and invitations to be part of business projects, and even to participate in a Hollywood movie, so speeches on climate change, technological unemployment, extreme poverty, and European migration policy were left aside. But what could they be criticized for, if they were only the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

11/01/2023

 Translated from Spanish

Los Cuatro Jinetes del Apocalipsis

Hay que empezar diciendo que los jinetes no habían sido muy originales. Llamarse Gaspar, Melchor, Baltasar y d’Artagnan no llevaba a ganar premio alguno en Publicidad. Y cuando les preguntaron el porqué de los nombres solo atinaron a esgrimir que se trataba de un asunto de branding, pues llamarse Guerra, Peste, Hambre y Muerte, no tenía una connotación que les permitiera acercarse a las masas, a no ser a los fanáticos del heavy metal. 

En todo caso los nombres fueron un dolor de cabeza: los católicos impugnaron tres nombres, alegando violación de derechos de autor, y la Academia Francesa hizo lo mismo con d’Artagnan. De otro lado, el Gran Rabinato de Israel invitó a los jinetes al Valle del Gehenna para discutir el Talmud con sus máximos exponentes. Los Cuatro Jinetes del Apocalipsis agradecieron la invitación, sin embargo se excusaron debido a su apretada agenda.

Con el propósito de evitar más meteduras de pata, así como demandas millonarias por violación de derechos de autor ante la Organización Mundial de Propiedad Intelectual, los jinetes solicitaron, mediante correo electrónico con firma digital, que se resucitara al mismísimo padre de las relaciones públicas, Edward Bernays. Una vez hecho esto, Bernays, con la ventaja de no tener que comer, dormir o ir al baño, se zampó en una mañana toda la literatura técnica en materia de propiedad intelectual, marketing, y social media que pudo encontrar, poniéndose al día para acometer con propiedad con la tarea para la que se le había traído de vuelta.

La agenda de eventos que Bernays preparó para los famosos jinetes fue completísima: ONU, UE, ASEAN, OMC, APEC, ALADI, CAN, MERCOSUR (perdón si me olvido de alguien)…OPEP, OTAN…y cómo no, el Foro de Davos. Las comparecencias fueron acompañadas de buen gusto; nada de trajes de Zara…todo Brook Brothers, inclusive las finísimas corbatas hechas a mano en Sri Lanka por vírgenes que no consumían gluten.

A pesar de resucitar a Bernays, quien violentando su contrato de exclusividad se dedicó también a asesorar a la industria farmacéutica sobre cómo vender más antidepresivos, a los Cuatro Jinetes no les fue muy bien que digamos en su campaña de difusión sobre más aciagos días por venir. Todo fue llegar a Davos para dejarse seducir por los banquetes y las invitaciones a formar parte de proyectos empresariales, e inclusive para participar en una película de Hollywood, con lo cual los discursos sobre el cambio climático, el desempleo tecnológico, la pobreza extrema, y la política migratoria europea, quedaron a un lado. Pero, ¡qué se les podía recriminar, si ellos solo eran los Cuatro Jinetes del Apocalipsis!

05/01/2023